It is easy to find comfort in the illusion of certainty. Grasping on to what one knows, forfeiting potentially more rewarding situations for the childish need of comfort and empty promises of happiness. The facades of change are knowingly embraced. You can promise yourself that this time is different. The sands of doubt will perpetually infiltrate your fragile cocoon, in spite of the hope that fortifies it. If this does not suffocate you, regret undoubtedly will.

She tries it on, like a dress.

She decides it doesn't fit,

and starts to take it off.

Her skin comes, too.

- Love; Lola Haskins

stale·mate  (stlmt)

n.

1. A situation in which two opposing forces find that further action is impossible or futile; deadlock

2. A situation in the game of chess where the player whose turn it is to move is not in check but has no legal moves. A stalemate ends the game in a draw (i.e. having no winner).

 

There are days when I can feel the hurt of living. The burning in the back of my knees. Growing pains. 

 

I always read the missed connections, you know... just in case I missed a connection. 

oh hi! happy 24th birthday to me! i hope this year brings me something new and wonderful.

We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.

 

There's still time to change the road you're on. 

There is nothing I love more than when all of the fruit and vegetables start coming in to season. 

Take all opportunities given to escape the fortified castle that you have created for yourself.

 

In my sleeping head I always end up in buildings that have been torn down for years... in moments that are long past.
Oh, these places I can never escape from..

 

it's time.

 

Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that’s where I imagine it - there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.

— Haruki Murakami

Sometimes I wish humans still believed that the Earth is flat. There is something very unsettling about realizing that no matter how far you travel there is never an end, instead you just end up right back where you were. No matter how badly you want to drop off the face of the Earth, you can't.

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars." 

 

I can't even comprehend how many friends I have lost over the years. I've wasted so much time taking people for granted as I chased hopeless ideas, obsessed over shallow lovers and vindictively closed myself off. I now find myself wanting to wrap everyone up in my arms and tell them everything, if only I had realized sooner... maybe then there would be ears to listen and warmth to hold.

There are times I wish I didn't feel so alone. Some days pass with more ease than others... either way I am doing the best that I can.

 

stay golden.

 

I have often wondered whether our instincts are driven by our "heart" or our "head". Over the past few weeks I have realized that it is definitely not the heart. The heart will gladly lead you astray. It causes you to let others take advantage of you, to treat you badly, and to keep these people in your life because the heart tells you that you love them. The head can be questionable too, a little bit too hard and quick to destroy things due to reason. It can be cold and distancing. It can tell you to push people out of your life instead of giving them patience and understanding that they are just as confused as anyone else. I believe that instincts are in the "gut", at least in my case. As my head and my heart battle it out my gut is there, meditating on the events of the day and the issues at hand. In the end it is the one to draw the line in the sand, between giving too much and not giving enough. When I think of instincts I think of self preservation. It is giving yourself and others the chance so in the end, if things don't work out you can at least say you did your best while also telling you when enough is enough. My instincts provide a balanced place where the heart can be opened and love can come in, but can also go out when needed. When I follow my gut I never feel like I am giving up,  it gives me chances to grow and chances to choose the path of least resistance by doing what is right for me, and for those around me. It will never tell me to hold on to those who cause me harm, and it will never allow me to abandon those that bring me happiness. I no longer find myself bound to reason or to emotion, and in this place I am free. The veil is lifted and I can truly see what love really is.

 

"The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly, they just withdraw and after a short interval break out again all the more terribly; and gather inside us and are life, are life that is unlived, rejected, lost, life that we can die of."
— Rainer Maria Rilke

 

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it's real.. it's possible.. it's yours."